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Sunday, October 29, 2006 hating myself

loulala at 5:40 AM | Comment


Monday, October 16, 2006 An Open Letter To The One Who Broke My Heart

I thought unconditional love meant sacrificing, waiting and giving your all. That hope gives you strength to last. But I was wrong, because when I loved you that way, I never expected that the pain I ignored would one day make me hope no more. It hurts so badly, I almost died, I lost it all. I’ll never stop loving you. In a way as effortless as it may seem, my mere existence to be always there whenever you need me, is enough to say I still love you unconditionally.

I’ll wait for the time that you have already fixed your life and you can be mine alone. But if that time never comes, I hope whoever girl is with you, you will love her more than the way you did to me because only then that you can totally forget me. But always remember that no girl can love you the way I did and I don’t think I can love another the way I did to you. Because when I loved you I gave everything without leaving something for myself. If ever in the future I can find a man who can offer me his love and you still haven’t return I will accept his love and love him just the same. But the love I will offer him will never be as great as the one I offered you.

And when we have our own lives in the future and cross paths I will always have a smile on my face for you to remember that once in my life you filled me with so much happiness, contentment and love which I haven’t found with anyone. I love you so much and I’ll forever will. Our love could fade but our beautiful memories will be forever treasured. I still don’t want to give up as long as I know you’re still holding on. But I feel that you’re slipping away from me and I think I have no choice but to let go and give it all up, and try to fall slowly on the ground so that I will not hurt myself deeply.

I can forgive and I think I already did, but it would take me a lifetime to forget everything. I have accepted that things would never be the same anymore even though we will try our very best to start all over again. Something was just not there anymore; it’s the thing we thought we could have forever. I want to blame you alone on what happened, but I cannot I’m still thinking what’s wrong with me, what’s lacking of me, why can’t you fight for me, am I not worth fighting anymore?

I tried to accept everything, but I can’t dismiss that you cheated on me despite the fact that you still love me. What kind of love you have for me then? I can easily accept it if you have cheated because you simply fell out of love. Now I realize I wasn’t even close to being enough for you. The one I love, the one I gave everything, sacrificed a lot, the one who gave me so much happiness, contentment and the one who completed my life. After everything that happened I can still offer u my love and friendship. With this I know I can not lose you completely.

This set-up I know you will never be a loser, because in the end it will be either me or her who will get hurt and be left in deep shit. I’m in the process of giving you up not because I want her to be happy, I will never be happy for both of you, but I can be happy for you alone, if you’re happy. I want to let go now that I still love you so much than in the future that I’ll hate you to death. I want to end it this way to lessen the pains we have to endure. I want to let go because it’s hard to hold on to someone who never even try to tighten his grip of me. I want to give up because I was being given up before you even tried to fight for me. I’m letting everything I wished for to slip away before the pain would destroy us.

I want but I can’t because as long as I can still offer you love I can not let go of you completely. I can let you go not because I don’t love you anymore. I can let go not because I want her to be with you. I can let go not because I want to. But I can if you want me to. I can let go because I can see in you that you’re having a hard time, despite the fact that I’m hurting more. I will let go because I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

Could you do me a favor of telling her how deeply hurt I am because of her decisions? Could you tell her, that I have been waiting for a very long time to start the rest of my life with you, and now after a long wait everything that I wished was being thrown away because of what she wants? Why can she have the only thing I wanted, I could give up everything I have just to have you back in me. Could you tell her, to assure me that she will love and take care of you so much and that she will not let anyone take you away from her? Could you tell her not to follow the things I did, the way I loved you, because the way I loved you made you walk away from me. Could you tell her, that I know she will love you, but the love she can offer will never be as great as the one I have for you? The love I offered you may be great, but it wasn’t enough for you to stay. Could you tell her to love you in a way that you’d stay with her forever?

Could you tell her to always make you happy? Could you tell her to always support and guide you during the times that you feel so down? Could you tell her to help you be a better person, because I tried. I really tried hard to make us both better persons, but I was not even close to succeed. Could you tell her not to let you down? Could you tell her to laugh on your corny jokes because that makes you feel good? Could you tell her to give you back massage when you’re tired? I don’t want to dictate her on how to love you; it’s just that I want you to be happy.

I will wait for you, I certainly would, even if it would take you a hundred years I can. I still wish to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries with you. I still want to GROW OLD WITH YOU. Don’t forget that whatever happens I still LOVE YOU SO MUCH and that love will never be decreased. You will always be my prince charming, angel of mine, my knight in shining armor, my honey, my chuvachuchu, my honeybunch, my baby, the father of my kid, and forever be my BABEY.

loulala at 2:37 AM | Comment


Tuesday, June 06, 2006 i lost

loulala at 8:12 PM | Comment


Thursday, June 01, 2006 the "tonta" girl strikes again

i have someone in my life right now. the man i always dreamed of having. the one who makes me laugh when i don't even want to smile. the one who knows my strengths and weaknesses. the one who fills in when i'm lacking. i can consider myself lucky for having found one man who gave it all to me.

but something happened, a thing i had never imagine even in my wildest dreams. it could destroy our five-year long relationship. everything could be put on waste, everything i own could be lost. but here i am, accepting everything and ready to risk again. now i'm trying to live life as if nothing happened. but i don't know where to start, yes, i have forgiven him but i don't know if i can forget it.

i sacrificed a lot for this, i gave my everything but still i lost. i have his love i can assure myself of that. i can trust him one more time, but what if he does it again, where will i place myself? i can make myself love him like i did all these years, i can pretend to act normally when he's around. but when i'm all alone and does a lot of thinking i can say that what im doing is wrong. i should let him go, i should set him free.

he said he love me so much and im the one he wants to share the rest of his life with, i believe him. i do. i can say i can trust him again after that incident but i don't know until when. yes, the "tonta" girl in me strikes again and it always will strike when the one involve is him and my love.

loulala at 6:11 PM | Comment


Sunday, May 21, 2006 happy once again

i reunited with old friends. friends i haven't seen for the longest time. people i used to snob, people i used not to talk with. now we share one of the most beautiful friendship. we talked about life, shared laughs, and i felt complete.

loulala at 5:58 AM | Comment


Friday, May 05, 2006

i feel sad, i feel alone, i feel empty. for the last five years i have someone i can call at 2 in the morning just to complain about petty things i my life. i have friends, i even have a bestfriend. but someone who i spent almost everyday of my life for five years suddenly stopped loving, stopped caring. i don't know if it was my fault, maybe the love i gave was not enough for him to stay. maybe he wanted more, something i cannot give anymore. i loved with all my heart, the one i di offer him was the only thing i can offer, it was everything. i even forgot to leave some for myself. and now, i'm trying, gathering all the love that was left and give it to myself. it was not yet clear, no closure and all, but i want it this way, no goodbyes, communication just stopped and it's okay for me. if he had to leave this way it is better for me, he doesn't have to say goodbye.

i am hurting a lot. i don't see myself to be attach to someone other than him, maybe this is only for the meantime. maybe i can move on, or maybe not. i don't want to be in this deep shit for a long time. but i don't know how to pull myself up, i used to have someone pull me up, someone gave me strength when i can't do a thing, someone was my wings when i'm tired of flying. how is it now that i am alone?

sometimes it is better to be alone, no one can hurt you, no one can make you cry, no one will mock you. but without someone, who will you share the happy events of your life, who will be there in times of pains and sorrows, who will make you smile, who will offer thier shoulders for you to cry when you can't take it anymore. someone can do it, but deep in my heart i stll longs for that someone who used to gave it all for me.

when i was a kid, i always thought that skinned knee was the most painful thing that could happen to me. broken heart was the worst thing. skinned knee can be healed in time and return to its original look, or even better. but broken hearts it takes years to be healed and sometimes it never would be. it stays broken, even if someone offered to put it back. broken hearts can never be repaired.

loulala at 3:21 AM | Comment


Tuesday, November 16, 2004 possessive friend

bat may mga friends na makausap mo lang ang "friend" nila ang sama na ng tingin sau. ala ba akong karapatang kausapin ang "friend" mo? kainis d buh. napakapossessive mo naman kung friend mo talaga siya friend ka niya kahit anong mangyari. nakakairita lang kasi yun tipo bang "akin to, ako lang ang may karapatan sa kanya!". eh di saung sau, kainis. ano ba tingin mo sa friends, mawawala sila pag nakipag-usap na di mo "friend". ano ba ang definition ng friend? isang bagay na kailangng bantayan against somebody. ano un isang napakaprecious na bagay na pag nawala di ka na pedeng mabuhay. hay naku, iritang irita na talaga ako sa mga taong ganito...un lang hehe, smile na lang ako

loulala at 4:24 AM | Comment



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